There’s a man walking around town one day, when he spots a shop with a large clock in the window. He thinks to himself “Oh, what luck?! I need to get my watch repaired, and here’s just the shop to do it”, and in he strolls.

As he enters the shop, a little bell sounds, so as to alert the kindly old watch-maker that a customer has entered. The man walks up to the counter, removes his broken timepiece, and places it on the counter. He then informs the shopkeeper that his watch stopped working yesterday, and he would like it fixed.

“Oh, I’m sorry, but I don’t fix watches here.”

“You don’t?”

“No, I’m a mohel(a man who performs ritual circumcisions).”

“Then why on earth do you have a giant clock in your window?”

“What do you propose I put in the window?”

Ba-dum-bum

I’ll wait until your uproarious laughter dies down until I continue

On Saturday night, as the kids were getting ready for bed, Saarah was sitting on my lap, and honking my nose. Eventually the honking stopped(thankfully), but she held on to my nose. While she was holding my nose with one hand, her other hand was holding my face so that I couldn’t move, all the while, she was looking very intently at my nose.

It should be noted that both Tevye and Mama were present, so I have witnesses to verify the interaction that follows:

“Saarah, dear, what are you doing?”

“I’m looking for something to eat”(this was said as though it were the most natural thing in the world)

A little shocked, put-off, and chuckling, I inquired “did you find anything?” At this point her eyes grew very wide, and a look of giddy excitement could be seen on her tiny face.

“YES!” was her only response.

My chuckling grew more intense, as did my attempts to escape from her surprisingly firm grasp.

“What did you find?” I said, fearing the reply

“Nose Gum”

Nobody, that I’m aware of, has ever used the words “nose gum” so it was even more hysterical. It was at this point that I managed to pry her pint-sized hands off my face and hand the “tornado of destruction” to her loving mother, while managing, through my worried laughter, to tell her to “stay the heck out of my nose!”

Like the joke I started with, there was really no appropriate image available that I would be willing to put up. Really, what do you propose I put in the window?

I put on some Leonard Cohen, which is always fantastic, though completely ineffective when it comes to recalling peculiar stories about my children. Deciding that a change of pace was needed, I moved on to Stompin’ Tom. As soon as his voice and the sound of his boot came through the speakers, it hit me!

Leading up to our recent trip to PEI, Tevye was very excited, because not only did it mean that we were doing something fun and exciting, as well as taking a trip which involved both a ferry AND and big, big bridge(13km long!), Stompin’ Tom sings about PEI! Since Tevye is such a big fan, this was very exciting. This is a boy who knows of Green Gables not because of Anne(spelled with an “e”) or due to the long running series “Road to Avonlea”, but because of the song “Bud the Spud”.

Eventually the big day came, and we hopped the ferry to “The Gentle Island”. We drove through Charlottetown, and all the way to Cavendish, PEI, going past at least 10,000 potato fields.

At the end of the day, as the kids were getting tucked-in to bed, we inquired if Tevye was enjoying being on PEI.

“This isn’t PEI”

“Well sure it is, Tevye. We took the ferry this morning, remember?”

“Yeah, but this isn’t PEI.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because there’s no man singing!”

For a moment I was confused, and then I realised that Tevye had fully expected that Mr. Stompin’ Tom Connors would be present at our destination. I explained that he’s just a musician that sings about PEI in some of his songs. He understood, but was clearly disappointed.

By the next morning he was over his disappointment, and quite enjoyed venturing to Charlottetown for ice cream and sightseeing.

So three mood-stabilizing pills later(I think they may have actually been horse tranquilizers, but I can’t prove it), we set off. On the way, we nearly hit a deer, though due to my medicated state, I didn’t care. While driving through the small town of Tatamagouche, it dawned on me that if I should ever need to escape the hustle and bustle of our town of almost 4000 people, the slower pace of Tatamagouche might be a nice place to “get away from it all”.

Upon arrival at the camp we were told where to park by a young man who had obviously taken the complete opposite of what my wife had slipped me prior to our trip. I believe he was personally responsible for powering the camp, using his own energy. Holy smokes, dude! calm down. You’re directing me to a parking spot, not the Arc of the Covenant.

Once we had parked the car, we wandered through the grounds to the main lodge where there was a guy playing music, some lady handing out balloons(only to kids, it turned out. I really don’t know why I wasn’t allowed to have one. Seems like someone is being “age-ist”. What a cow! I bet the guy directing parking would have given me one), and more Timbits and ice cream than you could shake a stick at! There was also some sort of liquid that we were told was juice. Oh really? What fruit produces juice that is so vibrantly blue that it looks as though it could glow in the dark?

Once we had sat on the grass with our coffee, Timbits, and “juice”, and listened to some music, we decided that it was time for the kids to get their faces painted. We went over and stood in line, all the while trying to help the kids decide what design they might like to adorn their tiny cheeks. Tevye had decided on Spider Man, as there were other boys running around who had gone with this design. Saarah was set on Dora. We told her that the lady might think Dora was too tricky. Okay, fine, she’ll be nice and change her mind, instead wanting a mermaid. Of course she wanted a mermaid.

We spent the entire time in the lengthy lineup trying to convince her to go with a butterfly, or perhaps a heart, as both these designs were being churned out easily by the artists. These suggestions were met with a resounding “no”. Saarah was, as she has been many times before, insistent. I believe I’ve made it known throughout this blog that if Saarah is insistent on something, there will be no changing her mind. Her mother and I pray each night before we go to sleep that she might channel her steely determination towards good later in life. If she harnesses her powers for evil, we’re all in a lot of trouble.

I accompanied Tevye while he was transformed, through the magic of face paint, into Spider man. He was very appreciative to the young lady who worked her butt off. The final result was far better than anything I could have painted on his face

Did you know that Spiderman actually wears glasses?

Saarah and Mama went over, all the while I’m praying that she has spared the girl the trouble of trying to create a mermaid, and just settled on a butterfly. Alas, it was not to be. Saarah had managed to convince this lady, who had most likely been sitting and painting the faces of over-excited children for the past four hours, to paint a mermaid on her cheek.

Given the size of the “canvas”, this truly is “The Little Mermaid”

Once complete, a mirror was held up so that Miss Saarah might marvel at the beautiful creation, now adorning her very pinch-able cheek. The artiste, who had laboured over this creation inquired if Saarah liked it, to which my normally very polite daughter answered “No, it’s not beautiful”.

I don’t normally think that my children are jerks, but seriously, that was just mean. I know that she’s only three, and there’s a lot going on, and her nap was interrupted in the car on the way over, and it was getting towards supper-time so she was probably hungry, but come on Saarah.

I apologized profusely to the lady, and like so many parents in years gone past, assured this stranger that “she’s not normally like this”. The worst part about it was that the young lady actually looked as though she took it personally, and I felt bad for the way my child had acted.

To the lady who painted this lovely mermaid on my daughter’s cheek, if you happen to be reading this, in the car on the way home, Saarah told us how much she liked her mermaid. And to all the people sitting and painting ice cream-stained faces all afternoon, you all deserve to receive The Order of Canada for being able to keep a smile on your face all afternoon. As each child left  your station, I could see each of you sigh in exasperation, before repainting your own smile and calling out “Okay, who’s next?”.

*I know that I complained a lot in this post, but we really did have a nice time, and were very impressed by the camp, itself. If you don’t know what the Tim Horton’s Children’s Foundation is, it’s a wonderful organization, which raises money each year to send underprivileged children to summer camp. Keep up the good work, Tim Horton’s

Once again I was mostly unaware that Saarah had gained access to the camera while we were at Soccer Practice over the weekend, and once again did I realise the number of photographs she had taken only once I uploaded everything to the computer.

I had wondered in Part One if Saarah’s picture-taking talents were improving, or if she was merely getting lucky, given that she seemed to be taking pictures of specific scenes and objects. After looking through her latest project, it would appear as though she is doing things deliberately. This week she seemed focused on coffee cups for some reason(there are certainly worse things in the world that she could devote her attention to).

Perhaps I should have technically said “insulated drink containers” instead of “coffee cups”, as Mama’s is specifically designed for tea, and the one I’m utilizing, while predominantly utilized for coffee can actually house any number of beverages. I suppose you probably wouldn’t want to use it for a milkshake. For one, the opening is designed for something much more fluid that a milkshake, and two, as soon as I’ve got myself a milkshake, all the boys start showing up to my yard(if you don’t get the reference, that’s alright. It’s not really worth explaining).

Of course, what would a Saarah Series be without emphasizing just how short she is? As you can see, she’s still only about knee-high on a normal-sized person, or almost waist-height on Mama.

Eventually she got tired of taking pictures, and needed to come sit down. Of course, the grass was still a little damp, so she had to sit on something! I wonder what she found to utilize as a seat…

She looks pretty darn proud of herself! I suppose I might too, if I had managed to convince someone to be my seat! As a side note, that’s her soccer jersey, not an ill-fitting dress.

As a matter of fact, I do. Alright, so I’m actually more impressed by the details that Tevye is now including in his drawings. For a long time he drew heads, which included eyes and a mouth, with long legs coming out the bottom. You could tell who was who in the drawing based solely on the length of their legs. Of course, when you’re only a toddler, all you see of adults is their legs. That is, until you get picked up, at which point you focus predominantly on their head. Well, now I suppose that makes sense.

Eventually, Tevye started adding arms to his large-headed people, though not always. Still, the differentiating features in the people in his drawings were the legs.

It stayed this way, until one day he drew a picture of Mama, and she had hair. It was a wonderful picture, and I believe we made sure to hang on to that one(full disclosure: we don’t actually keep every single page that they’ve ever scribbled on. They seem to think that they all deserve to be on the fridge. Since the fridge pictures can be upwards of 10 deep at times, we tend to cull the ones that aren’t desirable. Perhaps this makes us terrible parents. Perhaps it makes us normal. I would say that if you believe each and every picture that a child draws should be kept, then there’s a very good chance that you don’t have kids. Either that, or you’re masquerading  your hoarding-tendencies as being a sentimental parent. Hey jerk, quit hiding behind your kids and go get help).

Yesterday, after he finished his homework, Tevye wanted to colour. So off he went to fetch the supplies he needed, and then got straight to work. Tevye didn’t even bother to show me his latest creation, but rather left it on my desk in the hopes I might discover it on my own.

Note the ears, nose, and feet. I wasn’t certain if the person he drew was wearing a yarmulke, but it turns out that’s his forehead. While Tevye normally draws a specific person, this is “just a man”. I was so excited when I saw it, that I immediately wanted to hang it up in the office so that I could look at it each day. He told me that he wanted me to put it up in my bedroom.

I was hoping that by the time Mama got home from work he may have forgotten that he wanted it hung in a specific location, but he was still insistent that it be hung in our room.

Then there was this guy, with his giant mouth and white polka dots. I decided to name him “Captain Jaws”, but sadly, I wasn’t allowed to bring him home with us. Oh sure, Mama and the kids want cats and we have a whole house full of the darn things, but a handsome fish? He doesn’t even need to be fed, nor will there be any poop to clean up! Sometimes life isn’t fair.

Since he wasn’t allowed to come home, he and I went for a walk. Oh believe me, it can be done.

It turns out that Captain Jaws also enjoys long walks on the beach, seafood, and Jazz. We have so much in common!

The kids also developed a new game whereby they ran into the water, screamed “Frozen Toes”, and then ran back out of the water. The game was called “Frozen Toes”. You might think it wouldn’t last very long, and yet they seemed to play this quite happily for hours on end.

Built into the cliff was a perfectly-sized seat for the kids to both sit on. I thought it was neat. They couldn’t care less, and were more excited that their hands were covered in sand.

Finally, there was this giant lobster claw. I was told that I WAS allowed to keep it, but then I spent the next half our chasing Mama and the kids around snapping their bums, and was told that I had to leave it at the beach.

I never get to do anything.

Tevye was significantly more excited for my birthday than I was. He wouldn’t stop reminding us over the past week that it was almost May 27th, and as such, Tatte’s birthday. I pointed out that more importantly the final day of the bike race was also that day, and that was something we could ALL get excited about. He was still more excited for my birthday, though. That makes one of us.

So eventually the big day came, and apparently both Tevye and I had the same thought that morning. Upon looking in the mirror while brushing my teeth, I realized that it was exactly one year until I would turn 30. Tevye, a couple hours later, confirmed with Mama that I was now 29(I had spend the past two weeks trying to convince people that I would be turning 22, though nobody was buying it), and decided that an appropriate response to this new information would be to tell everyone and anyone who happened to be listening “Wow, that’s quite old!”

In the words of Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof “How often does a man receive a compliment like that?!”

In the end though, as I’m sure the photo at the top of this page leads you to believe, Hesjedal prevailed, and in so doing, made history. The final difference was a very slim 16 seconds! The celebratory spray of champagne lasted longer than 16 seconds(I can’t actually back that up with proof. I suppose I could go re-watch it and time it, but honestly, I have no intention of doing that).

The win couldn’t have gone to a nicer guy, either. In a world of Prima Donna professional athletes, whining and complaining over nothing, there is no professional athlete that comes to my mind who is more of a class act than Ryder Hesjedal. It is because of his character that I encourage my children to take note of who he is, and how he behaves. And I know they’re paying close attention, because they’re perpetually pretending to be him when they’re on their bikes in front of our house(yesterday they acted out the entire award ceremony, from the ladies putting on his pink jersey, to getting a kiss, to listening to the national anthem). He is truly gracious in both winning and losing, and it’s so refreshing to see. You’ll never see him being boastful when he wins, nor will you see him making excuses when he doesn’t.

I’m extremely proud to say that he and I grew up only a short bike ride from one another, but more than that, I’m thankful for the example he’s setting for my children of what good sportsmanship is all about.

Thank you and Congratulations Ryder Hesjedal!

I can’t be certain, but I believe that the Pope is giving Hesjedal a thumbs-up on the picture hanging behind him

With that being said, I shall now resume blogging five times a week. Again, I apologize for the interruption, and it wont happen again(at least until the Tour de France)

Now, I don’t think that I really need to point this out, but when traveling with small children, especially if for more than just one day, a parent is wise to bring books and toys for said children to entertain themselves. While this idea isn’t something that usually needs pointing out to either Mama or myself, once we arrived on PEI, and the kids were running around like animals, we realized that we had brought a big bag of nothing for them to play with. We scratched our heads, wondering how on earth neither of us came to this realization prior to our departure, though we were unable to come to any answers. After an hour of them terrorizing the province, we decided that we must purchase something for them to play with.

The following day we ventured to Charlottetown, and while we were there we picked up a couple of bean-filled frogs for the kids to play with(We also procured books, but that’s not what this post is about. It’s about the frogs. Geez, focus. You’re worse than the kids!) which turned out to be a big hit.

That afternoon we asked the kids if they had come up with names for their new frogs, and both of them assured us they had. Tevye went with Galaxar, like in “Monsters vs. Aliens”, which is far more creative than he normally is(he later shortened it to “Galax”). Saarah, being the creative little soul that she is, topped any previous exercise in naming. Now, when they’re playing, she’ll make up names for characters in their games. Prior good ones include “Joonis Johness”, as well as “Brohmis”, but this is far superior.

When asked what she had named her frog, without missing a beat, she told us “Kurt Banderchuck”.

Of course she came up with something like “Kurt Banderchuck” for her shiny pink frog.

I thought she looked delicious.

Aside from the park policy regarding their procurement of animals, the cost of admission is beyond reasonable, costing only $11 for six of us to get in. The only downside to venturing to the park on this particular day was that there was a bike race in town, and I was now out of town. It’s fine, I don’t mind…much. It was Mother’s Day, and Mama would rather have gone to look at animals than cyclists(I don’t see why I had to go, she’s not MY mother)

When we arrived at the cougar enclosure, two things happened: The first one is that I realized that these poor animals would probably like significantly more room than the 100m x 10m enclosure than they were allotted. The second thing to happen was that Miss Saarah was trying to coax them out of their house. Saarah figured that since they were big cats, the best way to encourage them was to “meow” at them. We thought it was cute, hilarious, and would most likely be horribly ineffectual. Obviously I was wrong, because a moment or two later, out strolled two giant cougars. Saarah continued to meow at them.

Arctic Fox

When we arrived at the Arctic Foxes, again I was disappointed by the tiny size of the enclosure. Seriously, this isn’t acceptable in 2012. I know that animals in captivity need significantly less room than they do in the wild, simply because they don’t need to hunt for food, but my pain-in-the-pants cats have more room than this arctic fox, and by a fair amount.

There was another family looking at the foxes while we were standing there, and the mother asked her young child(probably three or four) if they thought the fox would like some of their candy. I assumed that she was just being silly, but again, I was wrong. Once all members of the family agreed that these animals would indeed enjoy a sampling of their treats, the parents threw some into the cage. What?! Seriously? I have no idea if the fox would even touch the stuff, but come on people!

A gigantic wolf

By the time we arrived at the wolves, I came to the conclusion that the size of the enclosures wasn’t going to get any better. The size of their pen, while larger than those of a lot of the animals, was no larger than our small piece of property. I’d be hard-pressed to convince anyone that our yard is an appropriate place to keep two wolves.

It was interesting to see the ravens hanging out in the trees above the wolves, just as they would if they were in the wild(ravens and wolves have a natural symbiotic relationship. Ravens will follow wolves, eating their leftovers, and in return, warn the wolves of approaching danger or threats. Neat, eh?).

While we had a nice walk, and enjoyed being outside in the warm weather, the park was a big disappointment. In 2012, and especially in a place where we’re supposed to know better, there is absolutely no excuse for wild animals kept in tiny cages.