Please Don’t Say That in Public


As I mentioned in “Where Did He Pick THAT Up?” Tevye has some peculiar sayings.  While I first thought of continuing that post with a Part two, I decided to go in a slightly different direction today.  Instead of legitimate phrases that I just have no idea where he learned them, I’ve decided to enlighten everyone with things he says that, while innocent in his mind, could be percieved as less than Politically correct in the real world.

“Coloured Noonoos” – The particular type of pasta that we’ve been buying lately is “Tricolour Rotini”.  It’s like regular rotini, except that one third of them are flavoured with spinnach, one third with tomato, and the remaining third are just regular noodle flavoured(if, as a company, you’re going to go to all the trouble of flavouring your noodles, why would you only do two thirds of them?  You couldn’t come up with something else?  I’m imagine the conversation at the pasta factory might go something like this “Spinnach, fine.  Tomato, fine.  Another flavour?  Are you nuts?  Who do you think you are with your fancy-pants three distinct flavours?  I’ve seen chutzpah before, but this time you’ve completely crossed the line.  You’re fired!”).  Tevye loves these noodles above all other noodles, but for a while he wasn’t certain about the green ones.  Thankfully he’s gotten over that now.  Every other form or shape of pasta is known by the collective “noonoos”, but these ones he’s given the distinction of “coloured noonoos”.  While, of course, he means absoloutely nothing by his statement, Nicole and I had recently watched the oldest version of “Showboat” online, and couldn’t help but crack jokes about how these noonoos have to have seperate drinking fountains and entrances.  I don’t condone discrimination against any race, creed, or culture, so please don’t think I’m some sort of terrible person.  It’s really just the way he said it a few times that made me draw the connection.  But seriously though, why the distinction for the noonoos of colour, as opposed to shape?

“You want to do me?” – When Tevye would like either Nicole or I to physically move him, whether it be into his car seat, pull him around in the laundry basket, or help him get dressed, instead of asking for help with the specific activity, he generalizes his question “You want to do me?”  Um, no thanks Tevye.  I’m flattered that you asked and all, but, well, it’s just not kosher, and quite frankly, yucky.  Please come up with a better way of asking for help.  Thankfully he hasn’t asked a stranger if they’d like to do him yet, but that doesn’t mean it wont happen.  Oh boy, will that be an explanation.  Let’s hope he changes how he asks for help before it ever comes to that.

“Poop and Pee! Come see” – Each time that Tevye poops in his potty he is so darn proud of himself that he just has to show someone.  He applies the same enthusiasm to his discovering that he’s pooped in the right place that most people might apply to landscaping their backyard or landing on the moon.  Each time this comes up I try and tell him that I’d really rather not come and admire his fecal output, but he wont take “no” for an answer.  Mazal tov Tevye, you pooped.  Everybody poops, what makes yours so special that I should want to immediately stop what I’m doing and run right over?  He also likes to tell me how many pieces of poop are in his potty.  He’s really proud of his poop.

“You have a penis!” – He’s trying his darndest to figure out who’s male and who’s female, and he knows that boys have penises.  He will, at times, announce to me with great fervour that I have a penis.  He has sometimes told Nicole that she too has a penis, though she shoots that theory down pretty quick.  I’m sure that most people, if confronted with a two year old boy informing them of their lower extremities, would be able to determine that he’s just a little boy trying to figure the world out.  It’s that small percentage of people who have no grasp on the workings of a two year old boy mind that would get really offended if someone informed them of their penis, especially if said person was a woman.  Here’s hoping that never happens.

He’s a very nice boy and only has the best of intentions, at least most of the time, but sometimes, the things that he says are just too much.

2 Responses to “Please Don’t Say That in Public”
  1. Nicole says:

    Then there was that time when he was playing in the bath tub with his sea creatures. He handed me one in particular, and then declared that “You have crabs, Mama”. . .

  2. Grandad says:

    You keep amazing us with your writing. You really have to persue this as a future career. Talk to the local newspaper or some area magazine. There may be a column in the offing???

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