How To Drive Your Tatte Bananas

BS”D

I love my children so very much, but sometimes they can drive me nuts for days on end. While for the most part they’re very well behaved, lately they(Saarah especially) have been acting as though they’re plotting against me. I’ve taken careful note of their actions, and have compiled a list of all the methods they use to make sure I lose my mind within a year. The way they go about things seems far too organized, and I am quite sure the two of them have a meeting before I’m out of bed each morning to plan out their daily shenanigans. I’m fairly certain that I’ll have to be committed to an institution fairly soon if they keep it up for much longer.

The daily shenanigan plan, in the eyes of my children

1. Anything containing liquid, whether it be supposedly spill-proof cups or aquadoodle pens are great for drawing pictures all over the house. The floor works well, but Tatte can clean that up easily. If Tatte is out of the room, head straight for the couch. The bigger the picture, the better.

2. When taking toys or books off the shelves, make certain that each and every toy is removed. Once all toys and books are on the living room floor, move on to Tevye’s room and take out all of the toys there. Make sure not to play with any of the toys, as this is the most effective method for driving Tatte to the point of insanity.

3. Once all of the toys are out, move on to Mama and Tatte’s books. Make sure you’re not even remotely gentle with their books. The more pages that can be ripped or coloured on, the better. Also, destroying the covers on all of the paperback books is a good idea.

4. While Tatte is busy picking up the books that you’ve just thrown on the floor, run to get the crayons. Colouring is fun, but colouring while sitting on the kitchen table, next to the ledge above the stairs is even better. Once Tatte has finished cleaning up the books, start arguing and taking crayons from one another, making sure to scream as loud as possible.

5. Now that Tatte has come out to get you off the table, told you to stop arguing and just share nicely, make sure to put up a fuss. As a matter of fact, make such a noise about Tatte telling you to share that he wishes he’d just let the arguing continue.

6. Anytime the word “sleep” comes up, protest as much as possible. The less you can sleep, the better. No sleep is the absolute best. This isn’t because you get more time being awake, but rather because you’ll be tired and cranky for the rest of the day, thus making Tatte’s life more difficult.

7. Eating snacks is great, but eating meals should be avoided at all costs, especially supper. The less supper you eat, the more likely it is that you wont sleep well at night. This is especially effective because just as Tatte thought that he might get some rest from our shenanigans, he doesn’t. Also regarding supper, when Tatte asks what you want to eat, make sure you only say “noodles”. There is very little nutritional value, so Tatte doesn’t want us eating that every night. Even if Tatte says that we had them the previous night, or that we don’t currently have any, keep on demanding noodles. He’ll either give in, or give you something that you don’t want, thereby making the avoidance of eating supper just that much easier. Of course, even if noodles are what’s on the menu, make sure you don’t eat enough.

8. You know those little plastic things that cover the electrical sockets? Try and get them out as best you can. Just trying, if caught, will drive Tatte nuts, but if you can get them out and start poking at the sockets, that’s ideal.

9. Boxes of kleenex and rolls of toilet paper are all sorts of fun. They’re great because no matter how much you take out, it just seems to keep going. The best part is that it’s nearly impossible for Tatte to put it back the way it was before you started playing with it.

10. The final method is by far the best. If Tatte should get upset with something you’ve done and is telling you not to do it again, respond by smiling as cute as you can and say “alright Tatte” in as cute a voice as you can. This is especially effective because not only does it show that you’re not comprehending the gravity of the situation, Tatte also can’t stay mad when you do this, which drives him nuts all the more so.

Other things that can be done:

Throw as many toys down the stairs as you can. You’re not allowed down there, so Tatte has to go down and get them

Poop in your pants or on the floor

Scream and yell for no reason

If Tatte wants to watch the news, make as much noise as possible. Make sure he can’t hear the TV.

Demand to go for a walk during bad weather, or before Tatte has gotten dressed.

Argue with everything Tatte says.

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