Please Don’t Put the Olive in your Nose

It’s Friday, which brings two things to the forefront of my semi-functioning parental brain:

The first one is that there’s currently snow everywhere. I was under the impression that, after it all melted late last week that we were done. Apparently I was wrong in my assumption, and I’m none-too-happy about it. Since the man on the radio said that today is the final Friday of winter, I expect to see grass, flowers, and song birds by this time next week. If this doesn’t happen, somebody is going to be getting an ear full. I don’t know who, exactly, I register my complaint with, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

The second thing that our collective slide into Friday means is that it’s time for another round of Beem-bomisms. This week, I’ve decided to switch things up a little, and instead of listing off the wacky things that spew from the mouths of my children, list off a few of the things I’ve caught myself saying. These are things that no rational, thinking individual should ever have to utter. I suppose that given the fact that I have two small children running around the house, tormenting the cats, and making a mess out of things that shouldn’t be able to make a mess, it means that I’m, in all honesty, no longer a rational, thinking individual. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

The picture above is while we were trying to get ready to go and play outside one day. You may notice that something is awry with Saarah’s sweater. It’s upside-down. The number of times I’ve caught myself informing my children, who are completely oblivious to the fact, that an article of clothing is upside-down or backwards, would astonish any non-parent. She stood there, grinning happily that she had got her arms in the sleeves, and therefore, completed the task of putting on her sweater. “Saarah, your sweater is upside-down. Please fix it”. She then looked at the sweater, and realized her mistake. I don’t feel that I should have to point this out, and yet…

“Please please please please eat your supper already!” I don’t know about anyone else, but I, for one, get hungry from time to time. I find that the best way of fixing this issue is to eat something. You might not think that eating is something that needs to be encouraged, and yet, the desperate pleas that I emit each day at lunch and supper, trying far harder than should be necessary to get my daughter to eat, lead me to believe otherwise. I can understand if she’s legitimately not hungry, or if what I’ve served isn’t something she’s too keen on, but it’s everything. Lunch and supper is an hour each and every day. It doesn’t matter if I’ve made something she despises or hotdogs(while we rarely eat them, they are her absolute favourite thing in the world), we will be at the table far longer than anyone wants to be there. No more than every three minutes I need to remind her to stop playing and just eat her supper. Oh how I wish I was exaggerating, but I’m not. I really don’t feel I should  have to continue saying “please eat”. I keep meaning to actually keep a tally one day, but I always forget. If I ever remember, I’ll post it for all the world to see. It’s astonishing.

“Please don’t put the olive in your nose.” I don’t think any explanation is necessary here.

Saarah can be, shall we say temperamental, and has been known to wipe kisses off her cheek. I was washing her feet one night before bed, and she was mad at me, so she wiped off the fact that I’d cleaned her toes. “No, Saarah, you can’t wipe of washed”. It was only after it had left my mouth that I realized how ridiculous it sounded. I suppose you can’t technically wipe a kiss off your cheek, either.

“I can see your butt crack”. The kids HATE hearing these words. I’m not sure why they dislike it so much, but they do. Sometimes their pants, especially if they’re a little too big around the waist, drift down slightly, taking their underwear hostage, and exposing their bums. This is my not-so-subtle way of getting them to pull their pants up. I would never dream of saying this to an adult, although it would be an interesting social experiment.

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve caught yourself saying to your children?

22 Responses to “Please Don’t Put the Olive in your Nose”
  1. At least I am not alone on the olive front, although mine were hard yellow berries, three of them up one nostril necessitating a trip to the ER. Did you know they have an entire set of medical implements designed to take things out of children’s noses? I didn’t.

    • hahaha, no I was completely unaware! I mean, it’s not funny that you had to go to the hospital, but the fact that there are specialized hospital instruments to remove foreign objects from tiny nostrils is pretty funny.

    • They also seem to have specialized tools for removing clear plastic beads from a baby’s tooth, miraculously without removing the tooth along with it. Oh the joys of parenthood.

  2. LOL….I needed a good laugh this morning thank you!

    I know I have said many a strange and ridiculous thing to my child and at the time I know for some of them I have stopped after saying it and exclaimed “I never thought I would ever say that” or “I wonder if anyone in history has ever said this same thing”…I can not seem to recall any actual dialogue but I know it has happened.
    My husband and I have each at one point or another yelled at our son to stop yelling…we always seems to catch ourselves and turn to the other and say something like “Ya I know” or “Hmm perhaps I should rethink that one”.
    Being a parent seems to bring with it a rewiring of our brains and no amount of explanation can ever truly prepare a first time parent, or can it ever quite make sense to a non-parent.

    Have a great day!

    • I catch myself yelling at the kids to stop yelling on a regular basis. It’s frustrating, because it’s such a contradictory thing to do, and yet some days that seems like the only option available.

  3. sillyliss says:

    This morning: “I’m going to keep giving you kisses until you call me Mama instead of Dada.” It wasn’t weird in context, I swear!

    Would an olive fit in your nose? I feel like I can see why a person would wonder about that. I mean, a raisin, sure, that would fit. But an olive? Is it a medium sized olive? Spanish olive? Black olive? Was it whole or sliced? A sliced olive, that should fit just as easily as a raisin, but a medium-sized Manzanillo olive? I don’t know. That might require some investigation.

    Emilia loathes it when I tell her to pull up her pants. “MY PANTS ARE UP!” she says. And I say, “Then why do I see your tushie?” I feel like part of the problem is the pants. They aren’t made right or something.

    Is that you in the photos??

    • I believe you 100% that the conversation you were having wasn’t considered to be weird in context. It’s when things are taken completely out of context that they become fun to hear.

      It was a large black pitted olive. I prefer green olives with the pits still in, myself, but I’m the only one in the house who feels this way. I suppose I can understand that she was curious, but…

      I assume that you’re inquiring about the adult in the picture. In that case, yes, that’s me.

  4. meizac says:

    A raisin over here. Z was three, sitting snacking on raisins and then saying, “Mommy” in the strangest tone of voice I had – at that point – yet heard from him while also looking at me with the strangest face. Used one of those things that’s supposed to suck the crap out of their nose to get it out. Covered his mouth, stuck the thing in the nostril that did not have the raisin, squeezed the bulb twice and the raisin came out the other nostril.

    Oh. And I was already planning a blog for later about the number of times I have to repeat the most mundane and obvious things. Drives me batty.

  5. Pink Ninjabi says:

    Hilarious! Sooo cute! Yes, my friends have the same troubles getting their children to eat (you swear they run on batteries). Or have a secret supply of food somewhere. She started to get them involved with meal preparation and choices, simple safe tasks, and that really helped. That or hide blended veggies into baked muffins. Muahahaha.

  6. free penny press says:

    I’m still tickled over the upside down sweater…After raising (well almost done, the man-child is the last to leave) I bet I have said so many odd-ball things I would shudder to think..
    I’m going to tag along with you here in bloggerville and get my daily chuckle or another dose of parental wisdom..

  7. I have given up on clothing my children. They live in their underwear or superhero costumes. Thankfully, we live in a warm climate.

  8. ObiWanCanubi says:

    I don’t know if anyone has said this, but that is one nice shirt. I like the vintage look.

    As for my son, my parents let me leave the house in red winter boots and my superman cape daily… I would never deny my son that same fun.

  9. ObiWanCanubi says:

    “Please don’t put the olive in your nose.” lol great title by the way.

  10. stephicakes says:

    I totally thought of your blog yesterday when I found myself having to tell my 3 year old “Stop trying to eat the crackers with your toes.”

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  1. […] about the crazy things that you never thought you’d say as parent, including this one and this one. And then, this morning, there was this one from the other perspective…things your kids […]

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