Monsters, of the Fattest Variety

Some girls enjoy playing games where they pretend to be princesses, and if certain cartoons are to be believed(which they aren’t), there are an awful lot of princesses running around the world. The vast majority of them imply that a princess wears fancy dresses and drinks tea. A princess has to follow certain palace rules, but really, they’re always portrayed as cute, so they can get away with a great deal.

I’m not a fan. At all.

I don’t want a whole slew of little girls growing up to believe that the epitome of the female existence is to be cute, have a boat load of money for doing squat, and to be accountable to no one. We have that already, and it’s not a pretty sight(I’m looking at you Kardashian Clan). I recently read the results of a survey amongst children, asking what they’d like to be when they grow up. Over 50% of them said “I want to be famous”. They didn’t want to be famous FOR something, they just wanted to live the “princess” life. This is their ultimate ambition. I know I’m 30 now, but I didn’t think I was old enough yet to utter the phrase “I do NOT understand kids today.”

Oy vey iz mir.

Saarah likes princesses. She likes ’em all. Disney, Sophia the First, Barbie princesses, you name it. I don’t like that she likes it, but there isn’t a darn thing I can do to change her mind.

We’ve talked extensively about princesses, and while it’s a fun story, a girl can do anything she wants. A girl should strive to be a scientist, or a doctor, or a baker, or a hockey player, or anything she darn well pleases. She understands, and thankfully she’s never said that she wants to be a princess when she grows up.

She likes her princess stories, but she REALLY likes “Where the Wild Things Are”. She can recite the whole darn book. She likes the picture of Max chasing the dog with a giant fork, and when Max discovers that his supper “was still hot”.

Being a girl with a vivid imagination, she comes up with some pretty ridiculous non-princess games. She will, whenever it suits her, tell me “let’s be fat monsters”. We could be at home, walking in the forest, or in the grocery store. I can’t think of an occasion when she’s made the proposition, and I’ve turned it down.

“Hold up there, old friend. How does one go about BEING a fat monster?”

fat-monsterWell I’m glad you asked. It’s really quite simple, and a whole lot of fun. The first thing you’re going to want to do is push your belly out in front of you as far as you can. More than just your belly, though. You should really be walking around pelvis-first. Sound like an uncomfortable and inefficient mode of propelling oneself about? Well it is. Next, you want to puff out your cheeks as much as possible. Finally, slap a big-old frown on your puffy face, and furl your brow so much that you think your eyebrows will snap right off(a lovely image, I know). That’s about it. Now just walk around, nowhere in particular. The whole point is to just BE a fat monster, in the moment. Truly experience what it means to walk a mile in the shoes of a fat monster(if you can manage a mile like this, then you’ve got stronger core muscles than I do).

I have a 30 minute walk to work in the morning, and I think I’ll make it my goal to be a fat monster the entire way. People may look at me like I’m some sort of ridiculous excuse for a human being, but that’s probably just because they don’t realize that I’m actually a fat monster.

6 Responses to “Monsters, of the Fattest Variety”
  1. sillyliss says:

    Ahhh, I love it! My older daughter is five, and likes princesses I guess, but it’s never her first choice. She picked stars-and-rocket bed sheets, shirts with robots on them, anything that is blue. But before I pat myself on the back for somehow unconsciously steering her away from princesses, here comes daughter #2, who just turned 3, and who will pick a princess over ANYTHING else, except when it comes to fruit snacks, because then she picks Spider Man.

  2. The positive is walking to work as a fat monster has a high guarantee people will leave you alone and clear the path. You may find the inefficiency of walking like that is balanced by your lack of people in the way or near you ๐Ÿ™‚

    You may also find a video or photo of yourself on the internet but – hey – them’s the breaks sometimes.

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